get a grip

i have arthritis in my hands. i have had it for years, but its getting more severe. i'm 24 years old and i can't open jars, or button my pants and most of the time i can barely open a freakin door. and while the pain is unbearable, its embarrassing. at work yesterday i went to open a can with a manual can opener. and it took me half an hour. and once i managed to get it open, i was in so much pain and my hand was so badly cramped i couldn't not moved it.

i don't really mind the pain. i have an unparalleled pain tolerance. its the fact that i can't do everyday things. i have to ask kevin for help with everything. i don't think he minds helping, but i feel so damn useless. if its this bad now, how will it be in ten years? or twenty? when will i lose the ability to take care of myself?

just breathe

i miss my life... or rather the way it used to be. i miss my family and all the familiarity home. i haven't been able to sleep worth a damn lately. ever since we found out the kevin might  be going away i've been a mess. i don't know what i'm going to do without him. he's a much better father than i am a mother. that sounds terrible, i know, but alice just likes him so much more than she likes me. maybe its because i'm always working. or maybe its because she can tell i feel inadequate. all i know is that i feel this overwhelming guilt that i am disappointing her and i'm sure that interferes with my ability to parent.

but i digress...

this isn't a pity party. there are just so many things that i dare not say aloud. maybe thats why i don't sleep. i think i need a hobby. i tried knitting, but alice loves to grab my end and unravel it all. perhaps if i wait until she is a bit older it will be more productive. i'm seriously considering learning how to sew.  my mother taught me the basics when i was young. she taught me so many skills that i never pursued. but i think sewing would be a worthwhile venture. finding clothes that fit properly is so hard. i often wish i was of average height.

its 2:30 am. i should try to get some sleep. i'm due back at work in 11 hours.

i can't help but wonder if a long drive down PCH with the windows down would do the trick.